Baby on the Brain (and nowhere else!)

I've had baby on the brain for several months now...no probably longer than that...at least a year.  I've been convinced that I felt that way because I wanted another baby. 

My good friend J had a baby just months ago and throughout her pregnancy we spent a lot of time together, baby is all we talked about.  One of my best friends is due any day, and so many of my friends are expecting (or that's what it feels like),  I am still young...in prime "child-bearing" years.  I want to experience those things again.  I've been spending more and more time with my neighborhood friends J and J, who both have babies.  The sweetness of cuddling a baby, nursing a baby, having a baby reach for you, or put his little head down on your chest.  Those are the good bits.  There are only a few bad bits, but those bad bits carry some weight.  I didn't LOVE being pregnant.  I wasn't thrilled about the prospect of a 3rd C-section, then there are the many sleepless nights.  D's age was a factor too.  D would be older than my parents when I was born....and it's no secret that I struggle with that. 

Today, on H's last day of preschool, I met D for lunch near his work.  We figured that this would be the last time we had lunch together until the fall, when both boys would be in school again.  I confessed to him that during his deployment, I had drafted an email to him about my desire to have another baby.   We've jokingly talked about it before.....he "joked", I was serious.  This isn't just a case of him not wanting another child, as it would require a "procedure" that may or may not work.  Anyway, in my letter, I asked him to just "think".  I asked him not to respond, but just to consider, and that we would have an in depth conversation when he returned. 

I never sent the email, and I deleted it the next morning.  Even at the time, I realized that if I sent that email I was committing to something.  I was committing to something, that I wasn't sure I really wanted.  What I discovered today when we talked about H's preschool graduation and his entering kindergarten in the fall, is that I don't want another baby....I want my babies back.  I want to go back in time and hold their tiny bodies in my arms.   I want to go back to every stage, shoot  I want to go back to last week or yesterday to look at them and hold them.   I am not ready for H to go to school, I am not ready for L to go to second grade, I am not ready for the next stage of parenting.  It seems too hard.   Somethings can't be fixed with a hug and kiss, I not prepared....  They have all kinds of special sessions for parents who are sending off their oldest to kindergarten, where are the classes for those sending off their youngest? 

At the same time, I am looking forward to all the adventures this family will have in the future.  I am...really.  But what I would wish for right at this moment (besides dinner preparing itself) is for this summer to move at a snails pace.  I want to look and them and hold them for as long as I can, because it really does go by so fast.