Room for Improvement

Sometimes, just when you really start to believe that you’ve got this whole “mom” thing under control, you get a little reminder that there is always room for improvement. Yesterday was this day.

The last week has been pretty smooth here in the house. Despite my darling H dumping his food into the sink when I step out of the room, the good thing is that I can see what he’s done in the sink…now if he’d given to the dog…I’d have no proof. Smooth, and there is less than a month until D’s return, but I feel like I could do this a while longer. I do miss him, of course, and not just because he mows the grass and takes out the trash. I felt confident; we made it through the winter with no major sicknesses, no ER visits, and no craziness. The boys are happy and strong; I am feeling happy, collected, and pretty darn smart. Well….I was.

Yesterday, L’s report card came home. His grades are great, he has moved up in both his reading and math groups. There was a small note on the report card that said “I know L is having a hard time missing his Dad.” Maybe this was just a way of the teacher letting me know that SHE KNOWS how hard this is on all of us…. Or maybe she is trying to tell me that I am a really rotten mother. See how my mind works?

On the one hand, all children are bipolar. I say this with sincere respect for the condition. In one breath H can tell me, “you’ve ruined my whole life mommy” to “this is the best day of my life.” I’ve learned to take some of these swings with grain of salt, and ignore the others. I actually thought L was doing pretty good with D’s absence. The first few weeks were the hardest, he was often telling me how much he missed Daddy, but it seemed that he had rebounded a little. D has been gone this long, and longer before, but as the boys get older their awareness grows. I know that I have to be very careful about watching the news. I don’t want him to see images or hear things that might frighten him for D’s safety. Recently, they began a unit in school about the Civil War. Time lines don’t mean much to first graders, and that night before bed I had to assure my tearful boy that Daddy did not fight in the Civil War, and that he was safe. I felt like I handled that pretty well.

But on the other hand, I am not perfect. I am so far from perfect, I can’t even see it. Are there things that I should have and could have done to help L with his feelings? Yes. There is certainly room for improvement in my parenting skills. The problem with not being able to see perfect, is that I don’t know what it looks like. I know that guilt is not a very good motivator, but it can be effective.

Every day I will do the best that I know how, and every day I will learn a little, so that the next day the best that I know how is a little better.