Decisions

D and I often talk about the different paths our lives could have taken if we’d made different decisions. I am so happy where I am, that I would never wish to undo a decision…because even the bad ones led me here. Not that I have a lot of bad decisions, or good ones for that matter. Most of the decisions I make are small, seemingly unimportant. Looking back, though I can see how that seemingly small decision was the precedent for other seemingly small decisions.


I was thinking about dating….yes I know I’m married. (Except for the “Hugh Jackman” clause, I will not be doing any more dating….to be fair D has a “Lucy Liu” clause) I am talking about the dating I did before I got married.

One spring break, during college, a boy that I had met the previous summer in a theater production took me to Chicago for the day. Josh only got permission from his parents to drive the nicer car because my uncle was the priest from their parish….so I MUST be a good girl. He was probably disappointed that I was, in fact, a good girl. The 4 hours to Chicago, I knew he wanted to hold my hand. But my saving grace was this nice car had heated seats…so under the pretext of cold, I sat on my hands. After the four hours and some traffic we arrived in Chicago, we went to the Field Museum; I relented and held his hand. I could also tell that he wanted to kiss me, but he didn’t. For a 19 year old boy he was actually pretty good at reading body language…or it could have been the freezing temperatures, high wind, and my runny nose? We didn’t hold hands too long on the way home because, we ran into some really awful snow. Spring blizzard in northern Indiana…that’s how we roll. Once we made it to my house, a joint decision was made between Josh, my parents, and his that is was probably too dangerous for him to drive the additional 30 miles to his home, so he stayed at my house. He slept in an unused room, that had been shut up most of the winter and was only a little above freezing. I must have been really cold even with the stacks of blankets my parents gave him….I wouldn’t know, I stayed snugly in my well-heated room, one floor up. We never went on another date. He never asked, and neither did I. What if?

There were other dates too, that were memorable. Then there are memorable people too, that under different circumstances could have changed the course of my life. I dated a Carl in college that graduated shortly after we met. I even picked out the names of our children really liked him. We kept in contact and saw each other a few times, until he invited me to move to California, after I graduated. I declined, and then that was it. What if?

Prior to meeting D, I had a serious boyfriend Tony. I found out, after we broke up, that he had purchased a ring. What if?

Sometimes D and I sit and talk about our What Ifs…..because for all of my Carls, he’s got 3 Marilyns (he is 8 years older than me...that's fair, right?). The teenage angst and the college heart-breaks all led me here. I love it here. When I think of all those decisions that could have been life changing…is there such a thing as a “bad one?” I don’t think so.