A Shift

Yesterday, I registered for my first college classes since receiving my bachelors degree.   And yes, I am still feeling a little nauseous today.  Since first deciding to start my Masters degree I have felt a tremendous anxiety about it.  Now that I have books on the way I am down right sick to my stomach.

Some say, "You'll do fine, you're smart."  I am confident that I can handle the actual course load.  I am also fairly certain that not only can I handle it, but that I will do well.  I like school.  I love reading, and I enjoy writing.  However, I also know that it is supposed to be challenging, that's what learning is, right?  Succeeding or mastering something that yesterday you couldn't do or didn't know?

Others say that it is because it is something "new".  I think I can handle change as well as anyone.  I am not a person "set in my ways".  Sure I like the TP to roll from the top, the couch cushions to be strait, and the dishwasher loaded the "right way"....but I'm flexible.  I've handled major moves, I've handled language barriers, I've handled solo-parenting.  I'm good with "new."

I think that it is more than being worried about the course work and it's not just adding something new to my life, it is a shift.  A shift in my thinking. I am going to be doing something BIG, and for right now it's just for me.  I have never made any commitment that requires this much of my time, since becoming a mother.  All the decisions that Chief and I have made in the last 10 years...have been for him and for the boys.  I am not in anyway suggesting that the outcomes didn't involve me, they certainly have.  But they have not been primarily for me.   Except this one.  I am going to school.  I am going to have to fit this into our lives.  No one else has to do anything new.

Except of course, there will be change for them.  They are bright boys.  I will not have as much time as I do now to play with them.  My hope is that one day, I will feel that this has all been worth it, that I am worth it.  That this was in the best interest of  my family.  That this shift, was a positive decision for all of us.  I suppose the only way to make sure that it will be a positive decision is work hard, work smart, and sleep very little. 

 A shift is coming...I hope I'm ready.