No more mumbling.....

I'm getting older.   There is just no two-ways about it.  Over the summer I had a birthday which makes me (gulp) 34.  But the truth is, it's not so much that number as it is the number you get when you add 40 to it.  That is a topic that I don't really want to talk about now.

More proof that I am getting older also came this summer.  I had my hearing checked.  Turns out I have moderate to severe hearing loss in both ears.  Basically my hearing is good until 1800 Hz then it drops off very sharply. It looks like this (I've also included "reference lines" for your information and enjoyment):

the yellow line reads:  Children's hearing when asked to do something

I had noticed more than a year ago that I was having a constant ringing in my ears and was having more trouble having a conversation with someone who I wasn't looking at.  But, in truth, I kind of thought it was just my imagination, that I was inventing this problem for myself.  (The audiologist admitted she thought the same, evidently most of the patients she sees are women my age who "invent" this problem for themselves.)
Anyway we were both shocked that I did  have hearing loss.   She mentioned that hearing aids would improve my hearing, but "only if I wear them"....duh....but this is what she meant:  Unless I am "ready" for hearing aids, psychologically, I won't wear them and a fat lot of good they will do me sitting in a case.

Worrisome because I am after all, only 34, and I don't work or have a hobby that exposes me to loud noises, the kind that typically cause hearing loss in us younger folks.  So what's happening?  Is it going to get worse?  The audiologist suggested I first noticed the change when I lost my 2000 Hz hearing, and if that was only a year ago, how quickly is this getting worse?  I have another appointment in a couple of months for another hearing test.

No hearing aids for me just yet, I am not ready.  Although according to Chief they come in all kinds of awesome colors (he is not just a fan but also a wearer) like fuchsia!  So until then...no mumbling.

New Thinking

Right now, I should be doing school work.  I am supposed to be writing my response to our readings this week.  Our readings this week were about White identity development and White privilege.  "Everything I read was so disheartening and confusing"  (which is basically as far as I've gotten on my school work.)

I don't even know where to start.  I guess at the beginning.  I never really began thinking about my white identity/culture till last year.  Many white people NEVER consider having culture, because to in our thinking "culture" means "different" and white is normal.  This is the article I read more than a year ago:   White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack

Over the course of the last year, and specifically in the last few months, I have spent a lot of time thinking about this.  I feel guilty, uncomfortable, unsure of my own intentions, I find myself analyzing even the simplest of actions.  When I smile at a stranger even.... I think was that paternalistic?

Here is what I know for sure:

• There is no such thing as being color-blind...that is just something that white people say.

• Racism is not just action and conscious behavior, it is thoughts and unconscious behavior. White people, when they think of racists think of white supremacist groups or the KKK, but those are just extremes.  Racism is a spectrum...and almost everyone is on it.  

I fall on that spectrum, and I don't want to anymore.  This is for me to work on, and I am.  But this is also where my frustration and confusion kicks in.  I can "fix" myself but I am still a recipient of this unearned privileged....Am I just supposed to feel guilty and privileged...no of course not, I should DO something.  But what?  What can I do when even those closest to me can not acknowledge the privileged we have as whites, the privileged my children have....

As I continue to learn about the embedded racism in our culture I am overwhelmed.  Where can one person start?  I guess the short-term answer is....me.  I start with me.

Gettysburg

Good morning!  Imagine me cracking my knuckles and dusting off my computer.

We took the opportunity to visit Gettysburg last month, wow.  Maybe it was just me, but when we parked and got out of the car, I actually felt the history and heartbreak there, it was overwhelming. (To be fair, it could have just been the humidity.)

We watched the movie in the visitors center and were a little concerned that it would be too graphic for the boys.  We warned them ahead of time that the film may show photographs of dead bodies.  The only thing that seemed to upset them was the volume of the music during the movie, but the images themselves only prompted questions which is what we hoped.

Living in mid-Virginia, there is a much different attitude toward the Civil War than there is in Indiana.  Seriously the cannons on town squares still point North...I'm not joking.  We have friends that come from even further south and Chief and I discovered early-on that, for them, the Civil War had very little to do with slavery.  Sure it's not the WHOLE story, but you can't leave it out, either.  

So while at Gettysburg we were trying to explain to the boys about the battles and who came from which directions.  Union and Confederate, North and South, but what really speaks to that age group of boys....good guys and bad guys.   I admit it didn't exactly feel right leaving them with the impression that the Confederates were the "bad guys" but they understand the Civil War to be about slavery...those who wanted it and those who didn't.  They don't think about state's rights, they think about human rights.  

The biggest hit of the day, was Devil's Den (thanks to my Gettysburg expert, Jen!)  Where curiously, I discovered that I am now afraid of heights.  But I understand that this is common when you have young children, and may go away after time....

See those 3 figures standing on that rock....that's my family...they are having fun...I'm hyperventilating.